Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Top 5 Buttons To Push To Send Me To Mummy Breakdowns...

Obviously parenting is hard and being main caregiver is one hell of an rollercoaster. You kind of anticipate all the predictable things driving you bananas (sleep deprivation, tantrums in Costa, stains on your new sofas, little/no down time, all the snot) and prepare yourself for it and actually recently I've realised I've been in the mothering-trenches a while now and I'm pretty weathered to all this stuff.  No smugness here though because actually it's just new and truly random stuff that's pushing my parenting rage buttons these days. Top 5 to date are as follows:

1. Bow trying to sit down every 0.00046 seconds when I'm washing him in the bath. "Stand up Bow" wash half a square centimetre of his belly. "Stand UP Bow" wash another half a square centimetre of his belly. "STAAAAND up Bow" wash another half a square centimetre of his belly. "STAND. Up. Bowwwwww." wash another half a square centimetre of his belly. For the love if all that Cadburys WHY WON'T THIS CHILD JUST KEEP UPRIGHT FOR THE 15 SECONDS I NEED TO GET BELLY, BACK AND BUM! 

2. Euna giving me attitude for not being able to answer totally unanswerable questions. Example...
"Mummy who's that?" Points at stranger in the street who we drive past.
"I don't know, it's a girl"
"Why is it not Lola?" Her cousin who looks nothing like this girl and lives 30 miles from where we are and would have no place being there.
"Because Lola is at school."
"WHY?" shouting.
"Because it's a school day."
"IT'S NOT A SCHOOL DAY!!!!" 
"Well it is darling." Gritting teeth, why the hell am I being spoken to like this? 
"SAYYYY IT'S LOLAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Screaming. Head spinning. Ectoplasm fills the car. 
Like really. I gave you life and I'm getting screamed for why? Because that stranger isn't Lola? Because it's a school day? Because Lola is of school age? 

3. Changing choices. Apple Mummy! Here's an apple. NO! Take apple away. Screams for apple. Gives apple back. Lobs apple. That's a bruised apple now, it was one of my posh Pink Lady apples that comes in cardboard display packaging, I was looking forward to that apple. Screams for apple. DO YOU WANT THIS APPLE? NO!!! WHAT THEN?! Rips off own arm and beats self in the face with it. 

4. The average decade it takes for them to get in the car. They won't be lifted in. If they're lifted in they'll literally scream until my ears bleed for whatever journey we're due on. The thing is I haven't left the required 4 days I needed to get to where we're going if I'm going to wait for them to get in unaided. Literally, wind erosion will vanish the car before we will have the chance to pull of the drive. And I'm too anal about time keeping to let it go, so I WILL lift one or both in the car, it's just a matter of time. We'll only be mildly late (which is on time when adjusted to Mum-o'clock) but I'll arrive deaf. If I had a superpower it'd be to have Jedi mind powers just to get them in the fudging car. 

5. Euna saying she dislikes every single dinner that's put in front of her despite the fact it might even be her favourite ever food and she is actually a good eater. But initial reaction? Always always ALWAYS "I don't like it". Genuinely fantasise about pulling a cream pie from behind my back and cream pie-ing her in the face and saying "TAKE THAT THEN!" 

Writing is therapy. What would you cream pie your kid for?

And as is the nature of parenting, you swing right from cream pie in the face moments to overwhelming deep in your gut oh-the-heavens-look-at-the-perfect-mircale-specimins-of-life-I-made!!! Here's some of those moments, spent down at Marsh Farm with friends... 








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